Fuck new year!

January 22nd, 2020

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Fuck you if you re enthusiastic about it. It will suck same as old one did - maybe more if you're particularly lucky. I have started this year in same way I ended old one: drunk, cranky and hating those fucking thieves, Costin and Cowfuck Cam (take note, Iran, if you ve stopped with that "death to America" nonsense and start chanting "death to Costin and Cowfuck" a lot more people would like you and support you) so in such joyous mood I decided to read something full of blood, murder, and cursing.
(Editor’s Note: The Old Testament?)

Kell's legend is first book in Clockwork Vampire Chronicles by Andy Remic (all books are released) and is as I said previously full of blood, murder, and cursing. Story for first book is relatively simple: there is invasion by vampire army, Kell is war veteran who finds himself there and now he saves his granddaughter, finds few companions and runs toward capital of kingdom to warn king of invasion while slaughtering absolutely everything in his way. Imagine Schwarzenegger commando in fantasy setting and that is basically Kell. (E.N.: I’m gonna kill you, Count von Bennett!!)

So what to say about this book? It's full of blood, murder, and cursing - only thing it's missing is decent plot. Don't get me wrong, there are very interesting ideas there but nothing is really explained or even touched in detail that should peak your interest in reading next book in series.

E.N.: ^ actual footage of me trying to convince Ivan to read next book in series.

Kell is, as I said, superhuman grandpa. He is over 60, has arthritis and he kills everything that gets in his path with very little effort. Just watch Stallone in Expendables and you’ll know what I mean.

Rest of companions are his niece Nienna - who is presented to be naive, looking at world with pink glasses but is actually just altruistic idiot ( I would let this go if setting wasn’t in middle of invasion where vampires are killing people and taking them into factories to be cattle and she saw all that. You cannot remain idiot after seeing that).
There is also Saark - he cares about clothes and fucking girls (Yes, I know those two aren’t going together but fuck it) but he is also extremely competent swordsman who is very well versed into court (I wonder if that will be important later. Fuck!), and Kat - edgy friend of Nienna.
There is also vampire girl called Anukis who should be our window into vampire society but she is not of much use because she just stays at home, goes into masochistic stuff with her ex-lover (sounds like perfect girl for me but she ruined everything when she decided to escape and go into adventure), and is tortured because her daddy is some big-shot who created vampire society and he can fix all machines that produce vampires.

So what is interesting stuff? Vampires for first.
They are artificially made using steampunk crap and they need regular humans because they can produce some sort of magical oil from blood. Unfortunately there is no explanation of what that crap actually is. There is also several subspecies of vampires but again there is no actual explanation of what exactly subspecies are, because they differ quite a lot from each other and I don't buy idea that they are different by accident. There is Kell who is, as I said, 60 year old man and yet he fights with ease against vampires. Yeah, there must be some explanation for it and I hope it's not just bad writing. Kell also have magical axe. To be frank it's not clear if axe is magical or Kell is just lunatic. (E.N.: my money’s on both).
There is magic in world but how does it work I have no idea. There are also hints of ancient species but hints is all we have.

So what to say in conclusion? Is it good book? It's ok, nothing special.

It's heroic fantasy and Kell should be hero so I guess books will continue with Kell leading resistance against invasion. To be honest I don’t give a damn what will happen. I’m not interested what will happen further. Don’t beg me for sequel review because I feel same about you as about sequel. I don’t give a shit about you.

Now go away!

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Tags: The Misanthrope, Books, Ivan Grabar