Here we are again. Fuck.

December 10th, 2019

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It seems that you bastards were so thrilled with my review that you demanded that this become series. So, that manipulating prick Costin came again to me, begging me to write another. God, he was so pathetic but it worked (Editor’s Note: anything for the fans!).
Yes, at times I am complete moron. Not big as you, since you actually read this crap but moron still. So, series was promised and I’m more miserable than usual. Fucking thank you, you pricks, for having great taste and too much time to waste.

Let' s start. This time we go to Russia.

(E.N. the first part of the following sentence gave me pause and quite possibly a small, numerically-induced aneurysm)

Book Twelve is first in series called Danilov Quintet, by Jasper Kent (quintet means five, you are welcome, I’m happy to educate you). It is set during Napoleon’s invasion of Russia and follows Aleksei Ivanovich Danilov who is spy/special forces/messenger/little bitch in Russian army. He is in team with four other guys and they see that Russians have absolutely no chance against Napoleon so one of them does brilliant decision and he decides to call for help and who is he gonna call? Not Ghostbusters, what is wrong with you?
He calls Dracula (ok, Dracula is called Zmayevich but it’s pretty obvious).

Dracula arrives and he says he has better thing to do and leaves but he orders twelve (hence name of novel) of his vampire servants to stay and help Russians (all vampires are named after apostles because that is cool and scary and seen a thousand times and this novel wants to be completely original). Rest of book is about Danilov who has boring love story with some whore called Dominique (she really is whore in book and I had to mention this) and he discovers that vampires exist and later he hunts them while having tons of philosophical monologues about most boring shit imaginable.

So, I was really excited when I first found this book. It had war against Napoleon, vampires who fight in army, treason, gunpowder, and plots, and it should have been awesome.

It's not.
It's really not.

I deserve that because I had faith in writer. I should know by now that all people are piece of crap who will disappoint you but no, I had to have high hopes. Shame on me. Kent mostly tries to write novel that is similar to Tolstoy (your lack of common knowledge disgust me. Tolstoy is one of most important Russian authors of 19th century and his most famous work is War and Peace.)

What does that mean?
It means book is boring.

You don’t see any battles, you don’t see any armies marching on, you don’t even see bloody Frogs (for fucks sake that is slang for French. You should really read some books and learn something). Whole invasion of Russia is just in background. That was first big letdown for me. Ok, you can argue that story is about Danilov and he has reason to not be near battles. Fair enough, but why would someone set story during invasion and not write about invasion?
Fuck, that was annoying.

Let’s move on to vampires, second big disappointment in book. In start they are described as monster who bring terror into Frogs, you hear stories about mutilation and how patrol disappear which all sounds good and then it all stops. Vampires don’t have any supernatural powers, they are little faster and stronger but nothing significant.
Their only power is they don’t get old. That is that.

What supposedly gives them some edge is fact that they are complete sociopaths. Wow, what a big shock or, in other words, what a load of bullshit. A lot of Danilov’s monologues are about comparing humans to vampires and he questions why would someone choose to become monster/sociopath/moron and he gives some deep insightful answers like "If you do that it's because you are at start evil person and what horror is that".

Fuck off, book.

(E.N. since we’re all in a learning mood, have maymay:)

Also, vampires can only be killed by cutting their heads, stake in heart, sunlight, or fire. It's only by luck that Danilov is expert swordsman who has no difficulty in cutting heads, or use stake because that is same as using knife in sword fight.

Again I say: Fuck, off book.
All in all, if you like Russian realism (fuck off, use Google) you might like it, but if you want action driven vampire book or just horror story this book is not for you. It may be that I have started to read this book with wrong expectations and that sullied my view (shut up. I’ve read book and this is my view. Go and read it before you start arguing.) but I thought this is just huge missed opportunity. There are four more novels (all are released) and in second book Dracula (I wont use that stupid Russian name.) supposedly has much greater role and all vampire stuff is more explained, and it should be more about Russian court intrigue and I have interest in that so I’ll probably read and review that in future (yeah, I have hopes again; yeah, I am moron).

Now go away!

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