No, I didn’t lose a bet, but I might as well have, judging by the state of the poor excuse to squander a budget I’ve just watched. Off a joking chat over in The Gung-Ho Group, I somehow got myself into checking this thing out, should its audience rating drop any lower on Rotten Tomatoes (a pox on their house). And lo and behold, drop it did, so here I am.
Lord, I wish I was anywhere else…
There are too many things wrong with this inaugural episode to even list, but I’ll try to go through the most egregious in what follows. Spoilers will abound, obviously, but let’s face it, you really don’t want to watch this show. Trust me.
First of all, let’s do a quick rundown of the plot: Kate Kane’s former lover gets abducted so she returns from her globetrotting “git gud” trip that she auto-exiled herself on, somehow stumbles into the batcave within a couple days of being back, dons the (womanised) cape and cowl, saves the girl, and is hit with the realisation that she can’t act for shit. I mean, the realisation that the main villain of this season is her long lost and presumed dead sister.
Quickly, now - to the Batcringe!
I really don’t.
The acting in this show isn’t simply 100% bad across the board.
It isn’t just recent years CW bad - that’d be an improvement.
It isn’t Tommy Wiseau bad - that would be entertaining.
It’s just flat, boring, and cartoonish in the worst ways possible. It’s like watching a car crash video waiting for the big impact, the explosion, and the crispy, flaming chickens falling off of the poultry transport truck, and instead it’s nothing but lame, uneventful fender benders for 40 minutes straight. Well, 40 minutes bi.
Apart from Nicole Kang, we’re dealing with nothing but phoned in performances and actors who either deliver their lines through gritted teeth (seriously, Ruby, baby, ENUNCIATE - I can’t tell if you’re having a character moment or a stroke), or widely inconsistent accents (here’s to you, Dougray!) with their minds seemingly focused on the moment just after the director yells “cut!”. Which, if they had any backbone, they’d have called for more cuts and more redone scenes.
Listen, I know Ruby Rose was driven off Twitter by the enraged LGBTQWERTY mobs, and I feel sorry about that, I really do - there’s just no pleasing some cunts. I wasn’t enthusiastic about the casting, but at least I didn’t go our of my way to look a gay horse in the mouth, you know?
More so, I feel sorry she isn’t around Twitter these days because boy, would she have about a million reasons to rage out now!
Even IMdB users rate this a flat 3.0, Supergirl basically doubles that and change and we’re talking arguably the worst show the CW had had on offer until now. And they’re right on the money with most of their complaints, too. Aside from the ungodly rushed origin tale (Kate goes from being back to being Bat in about 2 days flat), I felt like every other scene I was watching the Terminator trying to learn how to smile. Only in this case they forgot to connect some much needed tendons in the thing’s jaw, so it just can’t bloody make it...
This is what my face looks like whenever Ruby Rose attempts acting:
Ironically, this is also what Ruby Rose’s face looks like whenever Ruby Rose attempts acting.
Structure-wise, this entire episode was just a series of scenes that tried to one-up themselves in either ridiculous or awkward factor, from the very first moment when Kate shrugs off sub or near-zero temperatures while maintaining the perfect Wellaflex hairdo in the start of the episode, through to the very end where her cape sort of tries to do a superhero flutter in the wind in an attempt at a classic high-rise Batman pose. The poor piece of material basically goes “fuck it, this ain’t worth my stitches” and just flops downward, somehow still not as limp and lifeless as its wearer.
There’s nothing exciting about the show either visually or musically, either. The fights are a chore to see unfold, and Ruby looks like she’s still being put through her boxing guard stages at one point. I almost wish we got shaky cam, close-up Nolan back...
Which reminds me, they thought borrowing scenes and tropes from Batfilms that have come before will somehow get people feeling smart for catching these easter eggs and ignoring the fact that they’re from last Easter and they fucking stink.
They even stole the “name of a loved one password” trope from aaaaall the way back in the Alicia Silverstone days, but ignored the fact that in order for Kate Kane to know said password (and thus find out that Bruce Wayne is Batman, because stronk, smart hero type is stronk and smart), it would have to have remained unchanged for years… This alone is an insult to brains, everywhere, let alone the fact that one of the most secretive and effective at living a double life people in the world has ALFRED as his computer password, like… WHAT?!
Even Yahoo wouldn’t let you set that shit up without at least a lower case and a number!
And what’s his security question answer, MARTHA??
I also thought I heard some notes that echoed the first Burton Bats soundtrack (you know, youuu killed my paaaarents!), but thankfully they didn’t try to go too much in that direction (which they would’ve bungled, anyway) and instead opted for some trite pseudo pop-synth crap that made my eardrums go on strike about twenty minutes in.
Pictured above is also one of the first ever weapons Kate uses in this show, which I can only assume is a “subtle” dig at the “know your place” meme. Or, a PUBG reference.
Also, the series struggles to keep itself grounded and plausible, but somehow FX’s Archer does a better job of showcasing the after effects of gunfire in enclosed environments better than it. Truth be told, Archer does everything better compared to Batwoman.
Given half a chance, he’d probably do her bi-curious lover, too.
All in all, over the span of 42 minutes, Batwoman manages to crit shit the bed on every last square inch of fabric. Just when I thought it was all over, they tick off bad CGI and stupid puns, to boot.
And somehow, the show’s biggest issue still remains Kate Kane’s Bat-Mardi-Gras head.
I’ll end on a quote from our friend Polish Man, who I think captured the issues of current day CW perfectly:
“I remember when Arrow first came out.
Taking under consideration the times, technology, under-saturation of the genre and all that, I was uber-hyped about it. It was great. When they started introducing new series into the arrowverse, it was like an orgy: first I would love it and want more and more, then it became too common to fully enjoy but still fine, then it started feeling bad, then I got tired but still clinged onto it, then decided to sit back and not participate and just listen to people moaning, while basking in my own indifference...
But now I feel like some big chubby dude caught me from behind, and I'm getting pegged and crying and I really want this to stop and I wanna go home and leave me alone and I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS MICHAEL, LEAVE ME ALONE I DON'T WANT IT, NO!!!”
Incidentally, that last part would probably work for Star Trek: Discovery, too! Even more so since its initials spell out STD. But I digress…
I feel you, buddy. That same chubby pegger just had his way with me last night, and I feel dirty to my very core. And now I hear I somehow agreed to watch an entire season’s worth of this shit?!
I’m gonna need some serious cavity searching to relocate my soul once this is all over.
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